SURPRISE!

Hey girl!

This is a formal invitation to my first DMV event which will be held in Maryland, USA.

More details will be disclosed as well as a welcome email once you order your ticket!

Expect a fun, safe and open space for us to share personal stories and challenges with one another.

To motivate, heal and empower each other. A social event to elevate your being and kick off your win.

Click here to order your tickets and stay tuned!

Follow me on Instagram at @lovingadeola for more real time updates!

Love you 🖤

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The importance of mastering detachment

Hey loves!

Detachment is described as disconnecting from a relationship, feeling, thought or assumption.

For clarity, I am referencing emotional detachment as it is a skill I am currently self training on. Believe me when I tell you my self love journey is no joke because I am always learning and changing (growing).

Lately, I had a negative experience I couldn’t shake off for a while. Matter of fact, the person that got me angered could feel it but I carried on with a horrible mood that day then learnt something great after talking to a mentor.

Emotional detachment from any situation is an early step that boosts ones chances of making logical decisions. When emotions get in the way, our judgement is flawed which usually leads to biased decision making. In this case, I could have saved my energy and realized my reaction was my power.

I’m usually good with that but like I said practice makes perfect and this is a required life skill that we should try to learn so that one can leverage this when needed.

Four benefits are;

– Lower chances of sabotaging situations.

– Better Judgement calls.

– Clarity even when emotions run high!

– Quick decision making skills

Thanks for reading love!

YOUR TURN to share – do you practice this? Have you ever had to detach? Talk to me.

OMG! January is over!

Hey loves!

We are in the first quarter of the year and so far so good I am well! I hope you are too so I’m checking in to provide some lifestyle tips on what to do to ensure that you are on the right path towards achieving your goals this year.

Tip 1.

Are you in sync with your religion and spirituality?

If no, why not and if yes, that’s awesome! Keep up the good work.

Tip 2.

Full body Physical.

When was your last check up? Have you ever gotten a pap smear girls? Do you know your BMI? Do you eat healthy?

Tell the truth, hahaha!

Tip 3.

How are your energy levels?

You really do get what you put out there so if it’s low, chances are you don’t have much fun or may not be happy. Try to figure out why so you can exude positivity.

Tip 4.

Have you been preserving yourself?

I learnt this the hard way due to graduate school, blogging and a finance career. I’ve had to sacrifice some stuff such as partying, a few relationships, dating and to an extent traveling! Sometimes you really need to do nothing and just relax. The benefits are endless, just google them.

Tip 5.

How is your credit/financial health?

Are you in debt? Do you earn as much as you deserve? How are your savings?

Check on the bag even while securing it!

Until next time loves 🖤

Outfit Details

Top – Asos

Pants – Forever 21 Plus

Shoes and Bag – Payless

Green lipstick – Dr M. by Colorpop and Midnight Wasabi by Fenty Beauty

Photographer – Ronke Raji

Self Love: Easing out of promiscuity

Hey girl, hey!

Today’s topic is sensitive but must be discussed because a lot of our girls are in pain and they don’t know why.

They are lost and going in circles looking for answers and I hope to provide clarity.

Sleeping around is not and will never be normal or acceptable because besides it being a sin, it has consequences that are not for the weak. Some are below;

– Constant body count increase

– Higher chances of STD contraction

– Lack of sense of self

– Nymphomania

– Unnecessary soul ties & more!

Now these are just a few but imagine all the harm you are putting your temple through and for what? Attention? Temporary satiation? Money?

Sex is sacred and to be shared between spouses with the end goal of procreation and not as a task, job or habit.

Sex ties into self love because as I continued my journey it was one of those domino effects that occur once you begin to love you. I started slow because trust me change takes time (true change I mean). I enjoyed it but once self love met me halfway I got picky with the men, then I got selfish with my time as far as being available and then I got even more selfish by choosing me and not even understanding why I should open my legs!

Personally, I want everlasting love that is unconditional and to give that I need to love me and become that love I hope to give AND receive. It is only right and part of the reasons I have not settled.

Other things to think about when meditating on this topic; Why do you have sex? Do you feel proud after climax? What are the benefits? Does your religion approve of sex before marriage? Is your receiver deserving of that love? What is your body count? How will you enjoy marriage if you keep sleeping around? If you don’t wait now, why will he wait while you’re 9 months pregnant if he never did so before? If he’s not your husband, why give him an unearned soul tie? Why?

Darling, here are five ways to ease into abstinence and stop messing with guys or having boyfriends to no end;

– Get productive and prioritize YOUR goals eg career, education, fitness, nutrition etc.

– Prayer.

– As you love yourself you know what you really want so try not to fall for just anything. Be patient.

– Get back in the gym to get fit for your health and that of your future child’s.

– Go for confession often, research suitable therapists and talk to trusted friends. I’m sure Jay-Z has said this too many times but it won’t hurt quoting him one last time – “you can’t heal what you don’t reveal”.

All my love girls!

Good luck 🖤

10 Life Lessons I learnt in October

Hey girl hey!

October has been crazy busy for me and I hope that you can forgive me because I just filled my calendar up with growth opportunities.

I just wanted to do it!

What you may ask?

Left my state temporarily, had midterms and needed a virtual break.

I’m back now and God always uses life to teach me things that help me get where I need to be in life and I appreciate him so much for staying by me.

Enjoy this list and let me know if any of these lessons help;

1. Life is borrowed. We all have an expiry dates so it all boils down to whether you lived well and made a significant impact in the world.

On that note, I decided to be more vulnerable with my posts and true to self because there is an audience I want to connect with and help grow. I really do not want any girls going through what I have gone through. Matter of fact, it won’t be fair to just go through life and keep all these experiences or mistakes I have learnt from.

The message here is ensure you live a good life. No one else is responsible for that but you.

2. Patience is a virtue that is unfortunately not common. With how tough life is, you will need to learn that if not already learnt because in dealing with people and life events, patience is required for understanding, learning and discernment.

Ask God to help you with being patient so that you can also be more accepting of others and their differences.

In essence, you will be a better person when you take your time with things and not rush through life. It’s already short to be honest so just chill.

3. Doubting one self is the beginning of confusion. When you do not stick to a decision made, it makes you question self trust and we all have to trust ourselves so that we can love ourselves better.

E.g I keep blocking and unblocking my ex and my brains always asks me what I’m looking for.

I wish I knew because in a matter of days after unblocking, I’m reminded of the reason I decided to just move on in the first place.

Imagine! Why break my own heart for no reason just because I won’t woman up and stick to a decision?! Ugh.

4. Respect others.

A person is made up of cells, family upbringing, life events, education and finally, religion. These are a lot of components we all know nothing about when you meet a person.

As you get to know them they share more about who they are but respect is important because you will not always agree and you have to be able to communicate and argue effectively without being rude.

I learnt this at work and it’s a stickler because I am now working on respecting others more.

5. Sex is not overrated (for those who said it was here’s why you might feel that way)

I got to this place where I had had enough but I had it with all the wrong people so I wasn’t even sure what a true connection felt like as opposed to just laying there and not being present.

Matter of fact it has gotten more difficult to just open my legs anyhow over temporary pleasure and semi permanent pain. I get the feelings sometimes and figure it out somehow but as I m growing with my self love journey, it is a sin as a Catholic so I do my best to preserve myself.

Not perfect but acknowledging it is a first step. In essence, close your legs so that when you do open them it feels right.

6. Pace your life

Everything happens in seasons. It ties into not rushing but it’s a different point because pacing/finding a balance often holds little weight with some of us. We fill our schedules with things to keep us from facing the deeper aspects of self that require attention i.e. connecting with people, mental health, fitness etc.

Make time for recreational activities, dream chasing and self care so that you can really feel healthy and fulfilled.

For me, I dropped one major because I was getting my masters degree in two fields and thought what is my end goal? Do I really care for this degree? Will I use it or I just want to please my parents? Since It held no true value, I took the stress and fake productivity off my plate and was able to reorganize better.

Another example was when my last relationship didn’t work out, I almost rushed through healing and wanted to replace him to fill that void but God forced me to stick with it, deal with the emotions by sending me a helper to understand why it happened so it doesn’t repeat itself.

7. The importance of family

Now all my friends know I can’t fully relate here because I’m from a semi mixed and separated family which has helped me more than hurt but I have to elaborate here.

There was a day I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone but my sisters face kept flashing in my mind and I had convinced myself that she was too young to be there for me as a first born so I decided not to talk to her.

Days later, I wasn’t feeling any better and I just did it.

She advised me and cheered me up and it’s not a big deal but to me. I do not take the family I’m still close to for granted. Their happiness is mine and I know that I will never be alone as long as I have them. They empower me and make me feel whole.

Some friends do become family but in the end it is not the same. Blood is blood.

8. Women carry too much

This one was an eye opener because the expectations on women in our society today is ridiculous. We’re expected to have a 9-5, full on education, stay healthy (skinny even if possible), have kids, care for a spouse, keep the house in good shape, have a career etc.

Does this list ever end? Are we empowering men to do the same?

I’ll leave this here but as a millennial pick wisely. Personally my spouse (wherever he is) will need to show a level of understanding as I am an ambitious woman and there is a price.

I won’t be cooking daily bro but we can make a roster 😂

9. Dealing with People is a skill

I’ve met too many types of human beings and we are all beautifully flawed so i’ll share a tip that works for me.

I somehow figure out your birthday(Well, you tell me cus I ain’t no creep 😂) and because I’m spiritual, I believe in zodiacs so it gives me an idea of what your personality might be like.

E.g most cancers are extreme nurturers and come off super nice or guarded, Libras are charismatic and great at being diplomatic. Aquarius’ are helpers and Capricorn’s super stubborn plus love to be in control.

Off course, there is more but these are a few I’m super familiar with.

Over time, I match the personality with the life experiences you’ve shared with me and we grow as friends because I understand you better.

Try it out loves, it works!

10. When life burns you out or you get overwhelmed – prioritize you even more!

Sometimes it all gets so crazy with work, school, life etc but when you start feeling tired and demotivated, make sure you take a break and begin a scheduled self care routine. Do only what makes you happy and rejuvenate your spirit for newer and better girl.

With all that being said, I hope you can take away some things and incorporate them into your life tools for becoming an awesome person!

Love you 🖤

Addie.

Dating Series: Mr Insecure

Hey gals!

As dating has been a huge part of my life. I have decided to do a series of various types of men I have dated. Off-course I will add stylish outfits to make it even more fun so enjoy!

This post particularly discusses an ex who felt super comfortable and insecure but I read that for loyalty. Lost much?

My first boyfriend was young, Christian and smart. I met him in church when I was about 15 years old and he was 18/19 I believe.

I was in boarding school and he had graduated high school so we were in a long distance relationship at first. I saw him when I came home for the holidays and it was fun because distance makes the heart grow fonder right?

Anytime I came back home for the holiday, it was all about fun i.e. shopping, partying, private pool trips, late night okada rides (Yoruba word for bikes) and off course church moves as it was another chance to see each other’s faces.

Everything was rosy and it was almost as if we were the envy of the town since it was a small city – my parents were known for their academic professions while his mum had a mini mart in a popular area in town.

People wondered how we did it, how we stayed together and seemed happy but I never really spoke to anyone so no one knew any details and early on everything was super fun so I had nothing to ‘complain’ about or discuss.

Even if I did being socially awkward and having low self esteem did not help me make friends and as you can imagine I snowballed into the relationship and slowly never really went home except it was bed time.

As time passed, I graduated high school and managed to keep the secret that I actually had a boyfriend from my mates so again no one really knew much.

I moved back home permanently and got to know Fiyo better since I now had more time for my amazing relationship. As expected, I grew a bit and knew I wanted to make friends and meet more people. I also found out that I would not travel outside the country for college right after high school so I had to start university in our town, Ibadan, Oyo State, Nigeria.

I got into the same university he was in and he was even more excited I would be living on campus but as time went on I realized he didn’t really want me to speak to a lot of people. He did not want my attention divided at all or time shared. Anytime I had plans, I had to tell him with whom, where and what time I’ll be back and free to hangout again. I never really had a me time or spent time alone.

I shared my pocket money and everything else I had with him because he was my best friend and I felt safe because I thought that if he had all these things, he would do the same for me.

Even though I had to do all these things, as a man, he felt he didn’t need to tell me where he was going or share everything about himself but for some reason it applied to me and I adhered. I slowly feared him because if I didn’t act right he could get upset and it would be a rough day.

People in church always approached my mother to ask what her daughter was doing with this boy but my mum would brush it off knowing she did not want to discuss something that bothered her with outsiders.

She always tried to ask me if I was happy and what exactly we were doing but I was constantly on defense and saw no issues with my relationship until I had my first male friend that he knew about.

Granted my male friend may have liked me but I was not in the wrong to have friends of the opposite sex. One evening, I was bored and went to go visit my new male friend to watch a show so I walked as it was safe on campus and the weather was nice.

Little did I know I was being followed, I got there and left my shoes at the door, went into the quarters as it was an open dormitory setting so doors can be left open with a net shield to keep bugs away.

As we watched the show and talked about class since we were both studying law, the rain started. It was heavy and scary and when it ended, I was ready to leave but I could not find my shoes. We asked other neighbors questions until Seyi (my friend) realized something was weird as he saw someone peeking earlier but thought the rain was playing with his mind.

I immediately got scared and now I’m not sure why but I didn’t feel okay knowing I may have been followed. I had him drive me back to my dorm but I couldn’t sleep so I went to see Fiyo to ask if he followed me that night.

Neighbors had mentioned seeing a tall male figure earlier but my ex was not as tall as they described so I figure there may have been more than one person – this made me even more concerned.

When I got to his place the rain started and I was outside knocking for a while until he came out and asked, “what do you want?”. I was shocked wondering why he didn’t open the gate seeing that I was wet and freezing.

I asked if he followed me that night and he laughed saying I was crazy.

In my frustration, I asked why I wasn’t being let in and he said I was not invited over that I should go back to where I’m coming from.

That was it for me, I began a wild journey of confusion because I thought he loved and trusted me but he didn’t. I tried to find answers but I found myself running in circles and talking to people but no one wanted trouble so they didn’t advice me much and I honestly did not open up enough anyway as I was still afraid that he would do something worse.

About a month later, things were a bit off but I knew I didn’t want the relationship anymore, I simply couldn’t figure out how to voice my feelings and feel safe at the same time. I began to let it show in my actions by not being available, making new friends, going home more often instead of running away etc.

One day I was with Fiyo, and he had issues with my friendship with Seyi and asked me to drive to his place so I did. If I had said no, he may have hit me which he eventually did that day.

He basically confronted us both when we got the there and yelled at at us trying to understand why we were even friends in the first place. Seyi tried to calm him down but aggravated him even more that he slapped me. After warning Seyi to stay away I drove off alone, embarrassed and hurt because I could not understand why I deserved such treatment.

In that moment, I felt like his property. I had given him my virginity and he now felt he owned me so I was his prisoner. There were subtle signs that had led on to this point such as him having sexual relations when I did not feel like it, feeling entitled to things I had, being controlling and more.

It took two rebounds to get him away from me but I was still hurt, lost and needed to heal from the experience.

As I didn’t know better at the time, I was in another relationship sooner than necessary but figured me out much later.

*Inserts heavy sigh of relief here*

The Issue

Fiyo was insecure and enjoyed what I had to offer, knowing he did not deserve it he made sure he felt like home and didn’t want me to have other friends etc.

He also wanted to control me so anyone that came close was known and redirected especially guys that were a threat to him like Seyi.

To add to the the injury, I did not love myself so it was a recipe for disaster from day one.

Is it resolved?

Yes, time and prayer has healed me as I am able to love again. He also called years later to apologize but I had already forgiven him and moved on.

This blog post is almost the last piece to my healing as I am now comfortable enough to share and help other women recognize the signs of an insecure man.

Stay beautiful and woke loves!

Growth: Old Friends, New you

At my current phase in life, If there is anything I have learnt about life, it is its ever-changing and constant-forward motion. Time waits for no-one but as imperfect human beings, our lives and experiences influence us so much so we think we have all the time in the world.

Um, no. Growth occurs and life goes on, so what do you do when you find yourself changing and getting misunderstood all of a sudden? People keep saying ‘OMG, whats up with you, that was so unexpected?’, ‘Oh wow, you’ve changed!’, ‘Ugh, I miss the old you.’, ‘Lol, you used to be so nice’ etc. This has been my current struggle for some time now and I got so frustrated that I decided to deal with it and here are some tips to help If you have this same struggle;

  1. Communication

I really had an issue with this as the introvert in me did not feel the need to explain why I changed to every Tom, Nick and Harry that raised this. I just felt like If they were real, they could see my changes were for the best and nothing more so they would understand and be happy for me. On second thought, it wasn’t fair to them because I knew things were different within me and since they are not inside my head obviously, I need to communicate that somehow so we do not have unnecessary conflict. In scenarios like this, tell your real friends and family what is going on with you so everyone is on the same page and can support you. I stress this because there will be clashes especially if the change is a self learning journey and you are becoming unintentionally unapologetic. Support is always a positive addition as well so don’t worry about sounding ‘extra’ or weak.

2.    Forgiveness.

To grow, you definitely took time away from a lot of people be it friends, acquaintances, family and even residence because you may have moved to a new place during the process. Now that you are aware of the new changes, you will have to forgive yourself for the past and all negative choices that were made because at the end of the day, they have played a role in who you are now.

Those that matter to you will also have to be forgiving of your new habits or changes as it will affect the relationship somehow. I find that one of three things happens, people stay and love you regardless, people leave or they stay trying to figure you out but never really do so so hence you becoming more of an acquaintance and not really a friend.
Oh well, that’s life my g – can’t worry about things out of your control you know.

For instance, you enjoyed smoking weed almost daily with a friend but do not enjoy that anymore and value your health so you cut him/her off since they are not willing to do the same (they don’t have to be). Next thing you know, when you both hang out and you’re not smoking it becomes a problem and causes an argument. Once you let your friend know by communicating the good news (LOL!) about you not wanting to get stoned daily, he/she will hear you and think on it. It either he/she understands and is sorry which will be great, he/she does not understand and you are both not friends anymore or he/she tries to understand but never really does and is not forgiving about it so the friendship dies on its own.

The f- ing struggle sis.

3. Patience and understanding

These two go hand in hand because we are complex creatures and to really listen and understand this new phase, one must be patient with themselves and then understand why they are making these new choices, whom they affect and how to adjust to the changes. It is a lot of inner work between you and God but the third party needs to the patient with you to fully be able to be there for you while adjusting to the new you. Sounds like a huge task but it is not really. An example of practicing this per the last example I just used would be those friends smoking together but not daily, maybe a weekend in a month while other days they just simply hang out. As opposed to taking things personal and cutting each other off or being weird.

I hope these tips help anyone who changed and felt overwhelmed with everything.

Start from here and you will figure the rest out. It gets better I promise 🙂

Much love,

Addie.