The Power of Pain

Pain is a territory I’m very familiar with but there are two types of pain. Good pain and bad pain and believe me it is important to know so that you don’t suppress or rush to relief yourself anytime you feel pain.

Pain can be described as an unwanted and sometimes unexpected emotion that disrupts the peace of any process or thing.

Good pain leads positively while bad pain has no true home. Examples of good pain are discomfort during workouts, punishment/fines for bad behavior, hurt from human beings etc. while bad pain could be heartbreak, accidents, disappointments and more.

There are ways to manage both to your benefit but try to avoid bad pain as much as necessary because it ruins our innocence and robs us of our livelihood.

Managing Good Pain

1. Recognize the source and go into self observation mode to understand why the pain is present so you don’t miss the message.

2. Master it. Study about it, do your research.

3. Reinforce it to push you towards short and long term goals.

4. Make it routine if possible.

Managing Bad Pain

1. Depending on your mental and emotional literacy, lean towards and understanding what is really hurting. Sometimes there is either deeper meaning/reason.

2. Self correction i.e. stop with the over-the-top expectations of others etc.

3. Don’t be too cautious and learn discernment.

I hope this gives you more insight and teaches you that pain is not a sign to stop, exhaustion is – so on that note, allow pain push you forward 🖤

Hugs,

LovingAdeola.

OUFIT DETAILS;

JUMPSUIT – ASOS

PUMPS – FOREVER21

BAG – HM

HAIR – CROWNSNLASHES

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August Blues – I got played?

Ile saw me at a restaurant while I was on a date with someone else. We both knew I was wasting my time on that date because once it was over, he made sure he got my number while his elderly uncle cheered him on. Lol!

I enjoyed the chase but played hard to get for a little while. I got to know him and found him genuine, honest and hardworking so we hung out for a while and had a good time. His friends and I got along well but he had so much drama from a previous relationship he was getting out of.

I didn’t feel at ease with it so I backed off and eventually stopped seeing him. Some months later since he was blocked on every platform I could think off, his persistence led him to send me a cashapp (money transfer app) message saying please call me.

I was hollering!

I replied back and we started talking and catching up – he was single and just working…it was summer so I decided to just have fun with it – parties, kickbacks, weekend trips etc.

He started trying to be serious and I had some concerns I had never voiced so I kept it cool for a while.

To respect privacy, I won’t go into detail but I wasn’t sure if the jobs he claimed he did were his only source of income based on what I saw…

I was sure something was off so I slowly weaned him off and it was tough until God made it easy.

His ex sent a doctors note stating that she was three months pregnant and that’s when reality kicked in for both of us – I knew I made the right decision then and there.

My mood was suddenly: I’m good luv, enjoy.

It stung a bit but so far so good, I’m cutting my loses and not looking back. No such thing as being friends – heal away so that it doesn’t bleed into your next relationship.

It’s taking some time but that’s the gift of life 🖤

PLOT TWIST!

After deciding to move on above, it was too late. I had already caught feelings.

So I gave it time and attention without really wanting it. How much more damage did I do? Too much.

He was showing signs of being conflicted and felt like he was under pressure. It made sense – someone is pregnant for you!

He told me he didn’t want the baby and wanted to be with me but it didn’t feel right. Luckily, I had a vacation I planned a while ago so I left for Jamaica.

A week later I returned and he proposed while I was away which I challenged + in less than twenty four hours, it turned out he had proposed to his ex and started planning a wedding.

I was so pained!

I knew I was not a player and had no business lingering in this situationship but damn!

Shed a tea or two but I’m good now,

Detaching is my thing I guess?

He further explained it was all fake and that it wasn’t real but he wanted to play along with her until he could get her to abort the baby.

I realized how cruel he could be and will not be an ally to malicious behavior so goodbye Maradona. Get your life!

Lessons Learned here?

1. Don’t linger at all if they do not feel like what you want.

2. Date with a low expectations and do not project too much into the future to avoid major disappointment, simply get to know the person.

3. Discern as always and never doubt your gut for anything!

4. Speak up for yourself – let no one think you are stupid or need them.

5. Don’t doubt yourself after you’ve made a decision, see it through and be firm with your decision. It’s not easy balancing emotion with logic but it is possible!

Sincerely,

Lovingadeola.

Q3 and happy blog anniversary! Adversity where?!

Hey loves!

2018 has been a class for me but I’m feeling better daily and I am excited for the future. Right after Easter, my career was at this challenging place where I almost forgot why I chose to work there. I was tired and burnt out from not communicating effectively and fearing unemployment so I started to overdo everything.

Little did I know it was all a test. Yes, it was a challenge but there was more to come. After some time, a family member visited and I had been nervous for months about their stay but it came and it passed.

It was not my favorite encounter but I needed to meet this person now that I was more secure in who I was. I had questions from childhood and inconsistencies I needed to clarify as well so it made it easier. Only problem was I expected too much and got hurt.

Blaming myself only slowed down getting over my mistake so I snapped out of it until one Sunday evening in May while trying to relax with friends, colleagues started to text me because apparently, there was a flood.

I freaked out, got on the news and saw my street underwater with cars crashing into each other and people looking for safety. I was in shock for a while but got to the scene the next morning and the roads were closed.

As I walked around hoping for answers, I got a call that a family member had left us. So I sat down immediately because i felt super lightheaded and even more shocked.

I felt deep pain and frustration but couldn’t cry so I went to encourage family.

I stayed in an inn for a month and it smelled so bad and was not safe but it worked only for me to get taught another lesson. My car engine knocked one morning in late June and since it was an old model I didn’t think replacing the engine made sense. Simply replacing the engine was three thousand dollars. Talk less of the other issues the car had which brought the balance to seven thousand and some change.

So I was homeless, immobile and hurting. Unfortunately, I strive for self reliance so I felt even more helpless.

PLOT TWIST.

It’s not even mid July and God has really showed me that he loves me so how dare I be selfish or ungrateful? After all, the flood happened to other people and I have been a commuter before. So what exactly is the issue?

While all this happened, I felt stress, Loss of security/stability i.e. home, inconvenience, unexpected expenses and for sure lost time.

As I reflected on all these events, I realized that I wasted a lot of my time on things that did nothing for me and God has started by removing the material things that are distracting me.

To top it off, I’m doing amazing at work and getting tougher by the day. I try to walk to the office most times which is great for my mind and body. I’ve made new friends kind enough to host me in this time of need with such unconditional love.

I’ve strengthened new and almost-lost relationships & I’m humbled because I almost forgot what it felt like not to have something, I’m more kind towards others as I never forget people who treated me kindly these past weeks without knowing all I had going on!

Looking forwards to sharing more victory soon!

Thank you for reading and believing in me loves.

Self Love: Easing out of promiscuity

Hey girl, hey!

Today’s topic is sensitive but must be discussed because a lot of our girls are in pain and they don’t know why.

They are lost and going in circles looking for answers and I hope to provide clarity.

Sleeping around is not and will never be normal or acceptable because besides it being a sin, it has consequences that are not for the weak. Some are below;

– Constant body count increase

– Higher chances of STD contraction

– Lack of sense of self

– Nymphomania

– Unnecessary soul ties & more!

Now these are just a few but imagine all the harm you are putting your temple through and for what? Attention? Temporary satiation? Money?

Sex is sacred and to be shared between spouses with the end goal of procreation and not as a task, job or habit.

Sex ties into self love because as I continued my journey it was one of those domino effects that occur once you begin to love you. I started slow because trust me change takes time (true change I mean). I enjoyed it but once self love met me halfway I got picky with the men, then I got selfish with my time as far as being available and then I got even more selfish by choosing me and not even understanding why I should open my legs!

Personally, I want everlasting love that is unconditional and to give that I need to love me and become that love I hope to give AND receive. It is only right and part of the reasons I have not settled.

Other things to think about when meditating on this topic; Why do you have sex? Do you feel proud after climax? What are the benefits? Does your religion approve of sex before marriage? Is your receiver deserving of that love? What is your body count? How will you enjoy marriage if you keep sleeping around? If you don’t wait now, why will he wait while you’re 9 months pregnant if he never did so before? If he’s not your husband, why give him an unearned soul tie? Why?

Darling, here are five ways to ease into abstinence and stop messing with guys or having boyfriends to no end;

– Get productive and prioritize YOUR goals eg career, education, fitness, nutrition etc.

– Prayer.

– As you love yourself you know what you really want so try not to fall for just anything. Be patient.

– Get back in the gym to get fit for your health and that of your future child’s.

– Go for confession often, research suitable therapists and talk to trusted friends. I’m sure Jay-Z has said this too many times but it won’t hurt quoting him one last time – “you can’t heal what you don’t reveal”.

All my love girls!

Good luck 🖤

5 Long term effects of failed relationships

In my experience here are 5 common effects of a cycle of failed relationships;

1. Lack of self confidence and struggle with self love.

2. Trust issues in future relationships if healing is not achieved.

3. Lack of physical preservation (constant sexual relations).

4. Emotional exhaustion and psychological noise.

5. Disconnection with faith and almost joy as it will take a lot of strength to understand that the experiences were not God neglecting you but lessons you had to learn.

Thanks for reading loves!

Stay tuned and subscribe for more!

OUTFIT DETAILS

Dress – Asos

Slippers – Payless

Bag – Justfab

Leopard Print and Mr Not ready

Ola and I met when I ended things with Mr. Insecure number two – he was very laid back, observant and fun. We connected on a dating site I was passing time on and at first I made it a little hard staying detached and uninterested but he read through it and was persistent. Three weeks in, we wanted to hang out daily and we did – for the first twelve months or honestly the entire relationship, we were inseparable except on some vacations. If you saw him in church, you saw me. As if we weren’t obvious enough, we also had a lot of matching outfits we bought together. At his school, if I had no class, you may have seen me too. Why?

This was my best friend and I was not afraid to fall because it felt right. Time passed and all I felt was inconsistency. We also had our differences but agreed to accept them because we “loved” each other. Deep within me, I was not comfortable with some things he did but I accepted them and tried to talk to him about it almost daily, weekly then monthly. Not sure why I didn’t just leave knowing that I was slowly getting upset repeating and compromising myself every damn time. Well Addie, how could you? We had so much fun; we went on dates, weekend trips, owambes, and even explored our city every chance we got.  Every night when we weren’t exclusive, he took me out and made sure I left him smiling. Soon enough, we made “love” and after that it was magic. One so wanting of the other that when we had residence issues, we decided to live together and I was excited. If you’re reading this, you know right there that this is where I effed up yea? I know, I know.

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We got a super nice place in Owings mills,MD and my bougie self  made it look a million bucks. Over time, we even had game nights with other couple friends and several house parties which were lit. All was good until I started to feel weird frequencies (energy) and I couldn’t hold. I broke and started asking questions. Sometimes, I’ll ask or check his phone – Once he stepped out the first time, it was hell. I felt betrayal but he continued repeatedly stepping out which did not make things any easier.

I couldn’t understand why he was into prostitutes or comfortable with the idea. He followed some heavily nude pages as well as strippers which made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Imagine the emotional torture? This even excluded girls from school or other friends he had that he would talk to. Matter of fact my baby boo had an affair and I felt it when it was happening but had no confirmation(this is one I even knew about and I remember her like it was yesterday b).

Solely from the cheating, I lost trust and then me trying to hold on to something that wasn’t there anymore. Or maybe it never was Addie. Something prematurely offered yet true? Scratch that because love shouldn’t hurt.

Lukman claimed to love me and would have loved to give me the world but how could he when he did not even love himself at all? To add salt upon injury, my self love was barely there so imagine the burden. I was spiritually heavy and I didn’t even know it. I stayed because i “loved” him and he was always sorry. I tried to be the best girl in the world instead of just being me and allowing him love me the way I am but believe me a man must love, know and accept himself before he can let a woman in and vice versa.

I kept the house clean, was his biggest cheerleader, did my kegel exercises, stayed fit, cooked often which never satisfied him since he was a chef and my effort didn’t really count. Lukman cared about me but did not love me because he was only giving me what he could for as long as he could. Once he got an opportunity to break up, he did. Not to hurt me but to avoid further damage. It just proved how weak our “love” was.

Here’s how it happened.

One evening, I found out that he went to go see his ex and I was upset because our discussions always ended with exes being a no-no. He couldn’t seem to see any fault in his actions after about an hour of going back and forth so I packed my bags and drove off not with the intention of leaving but just to get his attention.

Who was I kidding? I had made it easy. I came back the next morning after sleeping in the car by a dunkin donuts to a breakup talk. He was letting me go and “it wasn’t me it was him”.

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I was confused and angry until I finally had a meltdown. Suicide crossed my mind but I am no weak bi$@h so I fought it. We still lived together for another couple of months after as the option to break the lease was unnecessarily pricy so we decided to hang in there.

I was in hell. I felt myself drowning. I self medicated heavily daily and sunk in my thoughts. Work was affected as everything felt stressful. I was just lost. I died inside over and over. He tried to re-explain that he loved me but this needed to happen but I was not there anymore. At some point, I would hear him but be far away. I went into shutdown mode and didn’t think it was real. For days, I would cry and be like ”wait, are you sure?” – Thinking it was a tension thing because of the argument.

Even worse!

Time passed and my mum always told me to have savings so I moved out when it was closer to the end of the lease. If I didn’t leave when I did, I may not be here today.

The court meetings to finalize pending bills were emotionally stressful and draining because we would argue sometimes but we got through it somehow.

Right before I actually moved out of the apartment, he got brave and invited girls over. The first time it happened I thought I was seeing double but over time I saw enough to get used to it.

On one specific occasion, I came home early from work. It was super innocent but for a valid reason and as I walked in, I saw legs running obviously. Curtain movements too and I figured he had a guest. At this point even with everything going on you have to understand I still had feelings for him but I cannot forget this day. I called a co-worker because I was numb. I had never been treated like this before or been in such a situation and I dislike conflict so I was panicking. After a while he came out, with this hard look on his face and said off to work. I felt like he didn’t even see me at all.

I got goosebumps when I saw the girl. She said nothing and just walked the other way. He tried to hide her and have her go through sliding doors (balcony) but it was too late. Now when a guy is cheating or even moving on, don’t you even guess it’ll be someone ridiculously attractive or somehow better in a good way. This girl was dressed masculine, had a low cut, slight slouch and looked very….idk. I don’t even want to know…

That hurt even more because in all honesty, I looked better and was a unicorn but still wasn’t enough. Confused dot com!

I went on dates those final days in the apartment to distract myself but walked out on too many of them. It was hilarious and I look back and laugh now because I was hurting and trying to be sane but it didn’t help.

Some nights when I managed to sleep, I’ll have nightmares, wake up and he’ll be up as well. Things were so awkward for a while…

The second significant occurrence after the walk in was just epic. After I moved out, i still came over because I still cared as there were bills to pay and I still had some type of feelings but he had a new girlfriend. He would be on the phone with her and it’ll be on speaker sometimes, he’ll take her out etc and I was so confused because we just broke up but I pitied her as she was just buying time. One night, I got there and he told me his girlfriend was around so i had to leave. I almost went love and hip hop on his a@$ but I’m just not bred that way so after talking to my sister, i left peacefully.

Enough was enough as I had a breakthrough and decided to try taking it one day at a time. Just loving Adeola, bathing Adeola, praying for Adeola, speaking to Adeola, healing Adeola and here we are now…

As I loved myself daily, I found my healing. I pulled strength I didn’t know I had and bounced back. It’s called resilience baby. Ever since my dad told me I was, I nurtured the strength and rely on it a lot. It’s been quite a journey and the self love work never ends for me as I am a rose and I will die and rebirth a hundred times till I leave earth.

I eff with that. You feel me?

Lukman had a huge impact on my life. He was a wake up call and truth be told I have dated guys who despite knowing they cannot be serious with you, string you along and even have a child with you all to get a divorce sometime down the road. What a waste.

I am not in love with him anymore. We are now just friends and I do not know what the future holds but I only wish him all the good things in life. Nothing more, nothing less.

Baby girl, pain is power so when you feel it, especially in times like this, source the why and harness that power into something beautiful such as yourself, a business etc.

You will become unstoppable.

Love you girl,

Stay strong,

Addie.

10 Life Lessons I learnt in October

Hey girl hey!

October has been crazy busy for me and I hope that you can forgive me because I just filled my calendar up with growth opportunities.

I just wanted to do it!

What you may ask?

Left my state temporarily, had midterms and needed a virtual break.

I’m back now and God always uses life to teach me things that help me get where I need to be in life and I appreciate him so much for staying by me.

Enjoy this list and let me know if any of these lessons help;

1. Life is borrowed. We all have an expiry dates so it all boils down to whether you lived well and made a significant impact in the world.

On that note, I decided to be more vulnerable with my posts and true to self because there is an audience I want to connect with and help grow. I really do not want any girls going through what I have gone through. Matter of fact, it won’t be fair to just go through life and keep all these experiences or mistakes I have learnt from.

The message here is ensure you live a good life. No one else is responsible for that but you.

2. Patience is a virtue that is unfortunately not common. With how tough life is, you will need to learn that if not already learnt because in dealing with people and life events, patience is required for understanding, learning and discernment.

Ask God to help you with being patient so that you can also be more accepting of others and their differences.

In essence, you will be a better person when you take your time with things and not rush through life. It’s already short to be honest so just chill.

3. Doubting one self is the beginning of confusion. When you do not stick to a decision made, it makes you question self trust and we all have to trust ourselves so that we can love ourselves better.

E.g I keep blocking and unblocking my ex and my brains always asks me what I’m looking for.

I wish I knew because in a matter of days after unblocking, I’m reminded of the reason I decided to just move on in the first place.

Imagine! Why break my own heart for no reason just because I won’t woman up and stick to a decision?! Ugh.

4. Respect others.

A person is made up of cells, family upbringing, life events, education and finally, religion. These are a lot of components we all know nothing about when you meet a person.

As you get to know them they share more about who they are but respect is important because you will not always agree and you have to be able to communicate and argue effectively without being rude.

I learnt this at work and it’s a stickler because I am now working on respecting others more.

5. Sex is not overrated (for those who said it was here’s why you might feel that way)

I got to this place where I had had enough but I had it with all the wrong people so I wasn’t even sure what a true connection felt like as opposed to just laying there and not being present.

Matter of fact it has gotten more difficult to just open my legs anyhow over temporary pleasure and semi permanent pain. I get the feelings sometimes and figure it out somehow but as I m growing with my self love journey, it is a sin as a Catholic so I do my best to preserve myself.

Not perfect but acknowledging it is a first step. In essence, close your legs so that when you do open them it feels right.

6. Pace your life

Everything happens in seasons. It ties into not rushing but it’s a different point because pacing/finding a balance often holds little weight with some of us. We fill our schedules with things to keep us from facing the deeper aspects of self that require attention i.e. connecting with people, mental health, fitness etc.

Make time for recreational activities, dream chasing and self care so that you can really feel healthy and fulfilled.

For me, I dropped one major because I was getting my masters degree in two fields and thought what is my end goal? Do I really care for this degree? Will I use it or I just want to please my parents? Since It held no true value, I took the stress and fake productivity off my plate and was able to reorganize better.

Another example was when my last relationship didn’t work out, I almost rushed through healing and wanted to replace him to fill that void but God forced me to stick with it, deal with the emotions by sending me a helper to understand why it happened so it doesn’t repeat itself.

7. The importance of family

Now all my friends know I can’t fully relate here because I’m from a semi mixed and separated family which has helped me more than hurt but I have to elaborate here.

There was a day I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone but my sisters face kept flashing in my mind and I had convinced myself that she was too young to be there for me as a first born so I decided not to talk to her.

Days later, I wasn’t feeling any better and I just did it.

She advised me and cheered me up and it’s not a big deal but to me. I do not take the family I’m still close to for granted. Their happiness is mine and I know that I will never be alone as long as I have them. They empower me and make me feel whole.

Some friends do become family but in the end it is not the same. Blood is blood.

8. Women carry too much

This one was an eye opener because the expectations on women in our society today is ridiculous. We’re expected to have a 9-5, full on education, stay healthy (skinny even if possible), have kids, care for a spouse, keep the house in good shape, have a career etc.

Does this list ever end? Are we empowering men to do the same?

I’ll leave this here but as a millennial pick wisely. Personally my spouse (wherever he is) will need to show a level of understanding as I am an ambitious woman and there is a price.

I won’t be cooking daily bro but we can make a roster 😂

9. Dealing with People is a skill

I’ve met too many types of human beings and we are all beautifully flawed so i’ll share a tip that works for me.

I somehow figure out your birthday(Well, you tell me cus I ain’t no creep 😂) and because I’m spiritual, I believe in zodiacs so it gives me an idea of what your personality might be like.

E.g most cancers are extreme nurturers and come off super nice or guarded, Libras are charismatic and great at being diplomatic. Aquarius’ are helpers and Capricorn’s super stubborn plus love to be in control.

Off course, there is more but these are a few I’m super familiar with.

Over time, I match the personality with the life experiences you’ve shared with me and we grow as friends because I understand you better.

Try it out loves, it works!

10. When life burns you out or you get overwhelmed – prioritize you even more!

Sometimes it all gets so crazy with work, school, life etc but when you start feeling tired and demotivated, make sure you take a break and begin a scheduled self care routine. Do only what makes you happy and rejuvenate your spirit for newer and better girl.

With all that being said, I hope you can take away some things and incorporate them into your life tools for becoming an awesome person!

Love you 🖤

Addie.