August Blues – I got played?

Ile saw me at a restaurant while I was on a date with someone else. We both knew I was wasting my time on that date because once it was over, he made sure he got my number while his elderly uncle cheered him on. Lol!

I enjoyed the chase but played hard to get for a little while. I got to know him and found him genuine, honest and hardworking so we hung out for a while and had a good time. His friends and I got along well but he had so much drama from a previous relationship he was getting out of.

I didn’t feel at ease with it so I backed off and eventually stopped seeing him. Some months later since he was blocked on every platform I could think off, his persistence led him to send me a cashapp (money transfer app) message saying please call me.

I was hollering!

I replied back and we started talking and catching up – he was single and just working…it was summer so I decided to just have fun with it – parties, kickbacks, weekend trips etc.

He started trying to be serious and I had some concerns I had never voiced so I kept it cool for a while.

To respect privacy, I won’t go into detail but I wasn’t sure if the jobs he claimed he did were his only source of income based on what I saw…

I was sure something was off so I slowly weaned him off and it was tough until God made it easy.

His ex sent a doctors note stating that she was three months pregnant and that’s when reality kicked in for both of us – I knew I made the right decision then and there.

My mood was suddenly: I’m good luv, enjoy.

It stung a bit but so far so good, I’m cutting my loses and not looking back. No such thing as being friends – heal away so that it doesn’t bleed into your next relationship.

It’s taking some time but that’s the gift of life 🖤

PLOT TWIST!

After deciding to move on above, it was too late. I had already caught feelings.

So I gave it time and attention without really wanting it. How much more damage did I do? Too much.

He was showing signs of being conflicted and felt like he was under pressure. It made sense – someone is pregnant for you!

He told me he didn’t want the baby and wanted to be with me but it didn’t feel right. Luckily, I had a vacation I planned a while ago so I left for Jamaica.

A week later I returned and he proposed while I was away which I challenged + in less than twenty four hours, it turned out he had proposed to his ex and started planning a wedding.

I was so pained!

I knew I was not a player and had no business lingering in this situationship but damn!

Shed a tea or two but I’m good now,

Detaching is my thing I guess?

He further explained it was all fake and that it wasn’t real but he wanted to play along with her until he could get her to abort the baby.

I realized how cruel he could be and will not be an ally to malicious behavior so goodbye Maradona. Get your life!

Lessons Learned here?

1. Don’t linger at all if they do not feel like what you want.

2. Date with a low expectations and do not project too much into the future to avoid major disappointment, simply get to know the person.

3. Discern as always and never doubt your gut for anything!

4. Speak up for yourself – let no one think you are stupid or need them.

5. Don’t doubt yourself after you’ve made a decision, see it through and be firm with your decision. It’s not easy balancing emotion with logic but it is possible!

Sincerely,

Lovingadeola.

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Mellow Yellow, Mid May Madness.

Hey love!

How are you? I’ve had a lot going on in the last couple of weeks at work and mentally. My mum is also visiting in a week and I’ve been excited yet nervous. I haven’t seen her in about three years and I can’t wait to see her and catch up on life.

Work is kicking my butt but I’m up for the challenge. I’m learning that there is something positive about being uncomfortable, it’s like you become stronger and feel encouraged to keep going. Sadly, it seems like I need to relax on my need for perfection because I’m getting burnt out almost weekly and it will not be sustainable in the long run. May has started with me taking a step back after weeks of intense work and mental pressure. The only thing that has kept me sane is working out daily after work because I get to release some stress and stay fit. It also helps that it keeps my mind balanced and spirits up.

Anyway, I’m grateful for everything happening right now because I am going with the flow of life, I’m used to controlling everything but to just live, that is a hinderance.

What am I doing differently?

– Praying more often.

– Trying to drink more water.

– Not forcing connections.

– Staying still.

– Equating emotion vs logic.

– Keeping to myself (I try to be social but lately, I’m uninterested).

– I find that my job does make me happy even though I struggle sometimes, I always win. My ego wouldn’t have it any other way.

– I admire my boobs from time to time.

– Retail therapy.

– Enjoy dating.

– Meditate about life and what to blog about.

Over and out 🖤

Self Love: Easing out of promiscuity

Hey girl, hey!

Today’s topic is sensitive but must be discussed because a lot of our girls are in pain and they don’t know why.

They are lost and going in circles looking for answers and I hope to provide clarity.

Sleeping around is not and will never be normal or acceptable because besides it being a sin, it has consequences that are not for the weak. Some are below;

– Constant body count increase

– Higher chances of STD contraction

– Lack of sense of self

– Nymphomania

– Unnecessary soul ties & more!

Now these are just a few but imagine all the harm you are putting your temple through and for what? Attention? Temporary satiation? Money?

Sex is sacred and to be shared between spouses with the end goal of procreation and not as a task, job or habit.

Sex ties into self love because as I continued my journey it was one of those domino effects that occur once you begin to love you. I started slow because trust me change takes time (true change I mean). I enjoyed it but once self love met me halfway I got picky with the men, then I got selfish with my time as far as being available and then I got even more selfish by choosing me and not even understanding why I should open my legs!

Personally, I want everlasting love that is unconditional and to give that I need to love me and become that love I hope to give AND receive. It is only right and part of the reasons I have not settled.

Other things to think about when meditating on this topic; Why do you have sex? Do you feel proud after climax? What are the benefits? Does your religion approve of sex before marriage? Is your receiver deserving of that love? What is your body count? How will you enjoy marriage if you keep sleeping around? If you don’t wait now, why will he wait while you’re 9 months pregnant if he never did so before? If he’s not your husband, why give him an unearned soul tie? Why?

Darling, here are five ways to ease into abstinence and stop messing with guys or having boyfriends to no end;

– Get productive and prioritize YOUR goals eg career, education, fitness, nutrition etc.

– Prayer.

– As you love yourself you know what you really want so try not to fall for just anything. Be patient.

– Get back in the gym to get fit for your health and that of your future child’s.

– Go for confession often, research suitable therapists and talk to trusted friends. I’m sure Jay-Z has said this too many times but it won’t hurt quoting him one last time – “you can’t heal what you don’t reveal”.

All my love girls!

Good luck 🖤

5 quick tips on recovery after rejection

Blazer – Lane Bryant

Skirt – Lane Bryant

Boots – Forever 21

Hey love!

See below for five quick tips on dealing with rejection as I know it can be challenging at times;

– Pray for strength to understand why it happened and learn the lesson from the experience.

– Speak in affirmations for a duration of time depending on your comfort level until your confidence is restored.

– Exercise to relieve mental stress and be in good spirits.

– Communicate. Share the experience with a close friend and rub minds on what happened if you need to.

– Redirect that negative energy and use it to do something beneficial for yourself. Instead of wasting your time wondering why some guy or firm won’t ef with you.

Try these out and let me know if they work for you doll.

Love you loads,

Addie.

Fall Blues: Mr Im-not-ready

Girl! How are you?

I’m well but I have to share this with you because I want you to be able to catch these types when they “come through”.

Boy, oh boy!

Mr. I’m-not-ready will have you falling quicker than expected because he will sell you something he can’t offer.

What makes meeting such so unfortunate is the fact that most of the time, these men do not even know who they are yet or love themselves. On that note, why will you make a bad choice and be emotionally irresponsible?

It is almost inexcusable and I sound this way because I did it! Oh girl, I won’t come to you if I haven’t experienced and felt this through to healing.

With him, you might do just anything because he’ll be so good at playing the part and even like you but will most likely never love you.

They probably do not understand what love is if they are not giving it to themselves. You feel me?

My point here is try to pay attention love. Listen to a man when he is talking and you’re getting to know him. Don’t rush it, just enjoy it and see where it goes…

Experiencing such a relationship was one of the hardest things I had to get over but I did it and that’s why I’m able to share this with you I now.

As always, I love you.

Addie 🖤

Dating Series: Mr Insecure

Hey gals!

As dating has been a huge part of my life. I have decided to do a series of various types of men I have dated. Off-course I will add stylish outfits to make it even more fun so enjoy!

This post particularly discusses an ex who felt super comfortable and insecure but I read that for loyalty. Lost much?

My first boyfriend was young, Christian and smart. I met him in church when I was about 15 years old and he was 18/19 I believe.

I was in boarding school and he had graduated high school so we were in a long distance relationship at first. I saw him when I came home for the holidays and it was fun because distance makes the heart grow fonder right?

Anytime I came back home for the holiday, it was all about fun i.e. shopping, partying, private pool trips, late night okada rides (Yoruba word for bikes) and off course church moves as it was another chance to see each other’s faces.

Everything was rosy and it was almost as if we were the envy of the town since it was a small city – my parents were known for their academic professions while his mum had a mini mart in a popular area in town.

People wondered how we did it, how we stayed together and seemed happy but I never really spoke to anyone so no one knew any details and early on everything was super fun so I had nothing to ‘complain’ about or discuss.

Even if I did being socially awkward and having low self esteem did not help me make friends and as you can imagine I snowballed into the relationship and slowly never really went home except it was bed time.

As time passed, I graduated high school and managed to keep the secret that I actually had a boyfriend from my mates so again no one really knew much.

I moved back home permanently and got to know Fiyo better since I now had more time for my amazing relationship. As expected, I grew a bit and knew I wanted to make friends and meet more people. I also found out that I would not travel outside the country for college right after high school so I had to start university in our town, Ibadan, Oyo State, Nigeria.

I got into the same university he was in and he was even more excited I would be living on campus but as time went on I realized he didn’t really want me to speak to a lot of people. He did not want my attention divided at all or time shared. Anytime I had plans, I had to tell him with whom, where and what time I’ll be back and free to hangout again. I never really had a me time or spent time alone.

I shared my pocket money and everything else I had with him because he was my best friend and I felt safe because I thought that if he had all these things, he would do the same for me.

Even though I had to do all these things, as a man, he felt he didn’t need to tell me where he was going or share everything about himself but for some reason it applied to me and I adhered. I slowly feared him because if I didn’t act right he could get upset and it would be a rough day.

People in church always approached my mother to ask what her daughter was doing with this boy but my mum would brush it off knowing she did not want to discuss something that bothered her with outsiders.

She always tried to ask me if I was happy and what exactly we were doing but I was constantly on defense and saw no issues with my relationship until I had my first male friend that he knew about.

Granted my male friend may have liked me but I was not in the wrong to have friends of the opposite sex. One evening, I was bored and went to go visit my new male friend to watch a show so I walked as it was safe on campus and the weather was nice.

Little did I know I was being followed, I got there and left my shoes at the door, went into the quarters as it was an open dormitory setting so doors can be left open with a net shield to keep bugs away.

As we watched the show and talked about class since we were both studying law, the rain started. It was heavy and scary and when it ended, I was ready to leave but I could not find my shoes. We asked other neighbors questions until Seyi (my friend) realized something was weird as he saw someone peeking earlier but thought the rain was playing with his mind.

I immediately got scared and now I’m not sure why but I didn’t feel okay knowing I may have been followed. I had him drive me back to my dorm but I couldn’t sleep so I went to see Fiyo to ask if he followed me that night.

Neighbors had mentioned seeing a tall male figure earlier but my ex was not as tall as they described so I figure there may have been more than one person – this made me even more concerned.

When I got to his place the rain started and I was outside knocking for a while until he came out and asked, “what do you want?”. I was shocked wondering why he didn’t open the gate seeing that I was wet and freezing.

I asked if he followed me that night and he laughed saying I was crazy.

In my frustration, I asked why I wasn’t being let in and he said I was not invited over that I should go back to where I’m coming from.

That was it for me, I began a wild journey of confusion because I thought he loved and trusted me but he didn’t. I tried to find answers but I found myself running in circles and talking to people but no one wanted trouble so they didn’t advice me much and I honestly did not open up enough anyway as I was still afraid that he would do something worse.

About a month later, things were a bit off but I knew I didn’t want the relationship anymore, I simply couldn’t figure out how to voice my feelings and feel safe at the same time. I began to let it show in my actions by not being available, making new friends, going home more often instead of running away etc.

One day I was with Fiyo, and he had issues with my friendship with Seyi and asked me to drive to his place so I did. If I had said no, he may have hit me which he eventually did that day.

He basically confronted us both when we got the there and yelled at at us trying to understand why we were even friends in the first place. Seyi tried to calm him down but aggravated him even more that he slapped me. After warning Seyi to stay away I drove off alone, embarrassed and hurt because I could not understand why I deserved such treatment.

In that moment, I felt like his property. I had given him my virginity and he now felt he owned me so I was his prisoner. There were subtle signs that had led on to this point such as him having sexual relations when I did not feel like it, feeling entitled to things I had, being controlling and more.

It took two rebounds to get him away from me but I was still hurt, lost and needed to heal from the experience.

As I didn’t know better at the time, I was in another relationship sooner than necessary but figured me out much later.

*Inserts heavy sigh of relief here*

The Issue

Fiyo was insecure and enjoyed what I had to offer, knowing he did not deserve it he made sure he felt like home and didn’t want me to have other friends etc.

He also wanted to control me so anyone that came close was known and redirected especially guys that were a threat to him like Seyi.

To add to the the injury, I did not love myself so it was a recipe for disaster from day one.

Is it resolved?

Yes, time and prayer has healed me as I am able to love again. He also called years later to apologize but I had already forgiven him and moved on.

This blog post is almost the last piece to my healing as I am now comfortable enough to share and help other women recognize the signs of an insecure man.

Stay beautiful and woke loves!

Growth: Old Friends, New you

At my current phase in life, If there is anything I have learnt about life, it is its ever-changing and constant-forward motion. Time waits for no-one but as imperfect human beings, our lives and experiences influence us so much so we think we have all the time in the world.

Um, no. Growth occurs and life goes on, so what do you do when you find yourself changing and getting misunderstood all of a sudden? People keep saying ‘OMG, whats up with you, that was so unexpected?’, ‘Oh wow, you’ve changed!’, ‘Ugh, I miss the old you.’, ‘Lol, you used to be so nice’ etc. This has been my current struggle for some time now and I got so frustrated that I decided to deal with it and here are some tips to help If you have this same struggle;

  1. Communication

I really had an issue with this as the introvert in me did not feel the need to explain why I changed to every Tom, Nick and Harry that raised this. I just felt like If they were real, they could see my changes were for the best and nothing more so they would understand and be happy for me. On second thought, it wasn’t fair to them because I knew things were different within me and since they are not inside my head obviously, I need to communicate that somehow so we do not have unnecessary conflict. In scenarios like this, tell your real friends and family what is going on with you so everyone is on the same page and can support you. I stress this because there will be clashes especially if the change is a self learning journey and you are becoming unintentionally unapologetic. Support is always a positive addition as well so don’t worry about sounding ‘extra’ or weak.

2.    Forgiveness.

To grow, you definitely took time away from a lot of people be it friends, acquaintances, family and even residence because you may have moved to a new place during the process. Now that you are aware of the new changes, you will have to forgive yourself for the past and all negative choices that were made because at the end of the day, they have played a role in who you are now.

Those that matter to you will also have to be forgiving of your new habits or changes as it will affect the relationship somehow. I find that one of three things happens, people stay and love you regardless, people leave or they stay trying to figure you out but never really do so so hence you becoming more of an acquaintance and not really a friend.
Oh well, that’s life my g – can’t worry about things out of your control you know.

For instance, you enjoyed smoking weed almost daily with a friend but do not enjoy that anymore and value your health so you cut him/her off since they are not willing to do the same (they don’t have to be). Next thing you know, when you both hang out and you’re not smoking it becomes a problem and causes an argument. Once you let your friend know by communicating the good news (LOL!) about you not wanting to get stoned daily, he/she will hear you and think on it. It either he/she understands and is sorry which will be great, he/she does not understand and you are both not friends anymore or he/she tries to understand but never really does and is not forgiving about it so the friendship dies on its own.

The f- ing struggle sis.

3. Patience and understanding

These two go hand in hand because we are complex creatures and to really listen and understand this new phase, one must be patient with themselves and then understand why they are making these new choices, whom they affect and how to adjust to the changes. It is a lot of inner work between you and God but the third party needs to the patient with you to fully be able to be there for you while adjusting to the new you. Sounds like a huge task but it is not really. An example of practicing this per the last example I just used would be those friends smoking together but not daily, maybe a weekend in a month while other days they just simply hang out. As opposed to taking things personal and cutting each other off or being weird.

I hope these tips help anyone who changed and felt overwhelmed with everything.

Start from here and you will figure the rest out. It gets better I promise 🙂

Much love,

Addie.