Female friendships: What I’ve Learnt!

Hey girls!

I hope you are well and this post hits home like it did for me. In my life, I’ve been blessed with beautiful and strong female friends that pull me up and keep me grounded.

Friend – Oreoluwa Adeniji, Model.

You will see pictures of them in this post as I magically shot pictures with a few of them to create fashion looks that will inspire you today!

Anyway….

The next series of points are gems that I have learnt from my female friendships on how I keep the relationships alive, peaceful and fruitful;

Friend – Ronke Raji, Influencer

1. Honesty at all times. One lie just leads to another and think of your friends as your supporters. Another set of parameters that God has placed in your life to help you live and make better decisions. Telling one lie and then another about anything is a recipe for disaster.

2. Pace yourself with these friendships. I personally tend to keep to myself if I meet a female and hear any traces of lack of self love because I know they are not happy. Its different if they are asking for help but I don’t go around thinking everybody needs helps, that’s disrespectful.

Friend – Akhila, Finance Associate

There is a certain discernment I’ve been blessed with so I’m just picky about who I let in my life because if you turn out to really be negative then I’ve done a disservice to self by not protecting my peace.

When you meet new females, take it slow. It’s not only with men you do this with. It’s with any relationship – earn it so that you can respect it and it can flourish from there.

3. Handling insecurities among women is also tricky but doable. One tip we are all flowers, no rose outshines the other. You may all just not be on the same confidence level which is okay. If you respect each other, then you know how to handle yourself when one is not feeling as great as the other. Pull her up, remind her that her beauty is unique and with time through self love, she will feel better.

4. Career support: Women, do you understand that we are powerful? So when you see another woman trying to find her purpose, help her within your capacity. Don’t over extend yourself as that ends in resentment. Just be positive, uplifting and cheerlead as they grow. If in different industries, you can actually get involved with each other’s profession and learn something new! Some times you may find that you have inspired your friend to chase their dreams as well.

The issue comes when you get in a competitive mindset and start to get ugly with it – so unnecessary.

5. Respect their spouses. Do not get nosy or intrude in their lives! If they ever need to talk to you, and need your input, they will ask. So don’t go offering unwarranted opinion on your idea of what love/dating should look like. Bye now!

6. During fights, maintain respect and give space to reflect. We women are very emotional and that’s okay but we need to be sensitive to each other’s feelings.

Happy Thursday love!

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Happy Valentines Day Adeola!

Hey loves!

As you may or may not know, I have been single for a year now and it has been an adventurous, emotional and rewarding journey!

I’m the happiest i have ever been and this time last year suicide was an option. I thank God because that will have been foolish of me. I have so much to give and say to the world before I leave so it doesn’t even make any sense!

I’ve been dating since I was sixteen and believe me, I was forced to grow up quickly and experienced more than I needed to which in turn affected my developing stages and habits I developed socially and personally. I also had no sense of self. In summary, I did not love myself.

Fast forward, I fell in love, it ended and then I was left to fix the mess I had created. For the first time in my life, the pain of the break up led me to ruthlessly chase happiness and ensure it never left me.

I’m doing fine now and loving me has been a journey I don’t regret – I’m reaching beautiful destinations 🖤

5 Long term effects of failed relationships

In my experience here are 5 common effects of a cycle of failed relationships;

1. Lack of self confidence and struggle with self love.

2. Trust issues in future relationships if healing is not achieved.

3. Lack of physical preservation (constant sexual relations).

4. Emotional exhaustion and psychological noise.

5. Disconnection with faith and almost joy as it will take a lot of strength to understand that the experiences were not God neglecting you but lessons you had to learn.

Thanks for reading loves!

Stay tuned and subscribe for more!

OUTFIT DETAILS

Dress – Asos

Slippers – Payless

Bag – Justfab

Top Five Reasons people are not open in relationships

Hey loves!

I was on the bus back from NY and asked my brother what to blog on as I had just finished another draft and had nothing.

Minutes go by and he sends me a brief mini rant about people who aren’t open in relationships, not while they’re dating but when they are exclusive as there is a difference.

I’ve dated and committed to such personalities before and honestly it takes time to open up to another person. To make it even more challenging, it’s only rewarding when it happens naturally. You can push but with pacing, patience and listening, you can get to know a person and understand them.

My millennials, I figure you are my audience here because I am worried for us. While marriage is not on my bucket list for personal reasons, I think the Bible set the tone for what marriage should be and being open is one of the requirements as the couple merges to become one.

If a lover is not open, here could be why;

1. They are not at peace with themselves and probably have not self nurtured to achieve maturity enough to be open when they want.

When a person has a lot going on or might really be immoral, they tend to keep to themselves as they have a lot to hide. When I was wild, I never spoke a word and now I’m sure when old classmates read my posts, they are confused. They are like huh she seemed quiet and bored. Boy, oh boy – I was always on something, going somewhere, with someone.

No fucking peace of mind. I mean none – so tell me what I wanna tell lover boy? You better carry and go or stay and be mute 😂

2. They do not trust themselves or you.

Laughing already because without trust there can never be full openness. I mean, so comfortable that your spouse understands you without even talking.

I currently have friendships like that with my girls and I tell one that I hope my husband if I end up with one is as open as we are with each other. I want to tell him why I don’t feel like going to church today, I want to tell him my past so he knows who I am and how I became, I don’t want to have to tell him to be thoughtful because when open you are in synch with your partner. The benefits are amazing so if not ready to be open but you want love, go back to your inner self, check in and then try again.

3. Immaturity – enough said here.

4. Self-reliance syndrome.

I know because I struggle with being open, my life will have to get written. When? I do not know darling but it will be so because I have seen quite a bit and by the time I leave earth I may not have shared all as life is not guaranteed!

With such people, they are so hard on themselves that they strive for independence and self nurturing. Since I’m one of them, it can be hell I tell you. I know because of this reason I suck at making friends and when I do it takes a lot to get through. Some may disagree because I’m super warm and don’t mind sharing little things but um it’s all a front, once you leave me you may find that I let you do all the talking and didn’t even say much. With my nurturing personality, I probably talk about your well being and keep it moving.

Side note – Don’t try to push things or force things out of me, that will end the relationship instantly. Savage but with a sweet side 😉

5. Finally! Intentions are another reason people do not open up.

Depending on your upbringing and experiences, you should know life can be wicked. The strong ones just breathe positivity and find strength in how much they love themselves but people’s intention really contribute to setting the tone of a relationship. Are you trying to get to know me? Why? To date? Sleep with me? Waste my time? Fish for information? Make conversation? What?

How about we all relax and just have fun and not be so closed. If you love you, it’s easier to be open as you become unapologetic about who you are.

At that point, you mean what you say and you tell only what you want. If you don’t want to reveal anything, you won’t.

Let’s not make it seem like we’re obligated to be open. You’re not but if you want true love, learn to be open to the right people, (God first) in the right places, and under the right circumstances.

It’s another choice YOU have to make so choose right.

Until next time my loves,

Addie 🖤

Outfit Details.

Dress – Asos

Shoes – Justfab (I added the puffy shoe clips which are from Aldo)

Leopard Print and Mr Not ready

Ola and I met when I ended things with Mr. Insecure number two – he was very laid back, observant and fun. We connected on a dating site I was passing time on and at first I made it a little hard staying detached and uninterested but he read through it and was persistent. Three weeks in, we wanted to hang out daily and we did – for the first twelve months or honestly the entire relationship, we were inseparable except on some vacations. If you saw him in church, you saw me. As if we weren’t obvious enough, we also had a lot of matching outfits we bought together. At his school, if I had no class, you may have seen me too. Why?

This was my best friend and I was not afraid to fall because it felt right. Time passed and all I felt was inconsistency. We also had our differences but agreed to accept them because we “loved” each other. Deep within me, I was not comfortable with some things he did but I accepted them and tried to talk to him about it almost daily, weekly then monthly. Not sure why I didn’t just leave knowing that I was slowly getting upset repeating and compromising myself every damn time. Well Addie, how could you? We had so much fun; we went on dates, weekend trips, owambes, and even explored our city every chance we got.  Every night when we weren’t exclusive, he took me out and made sure I left him smiling. Soon enough, we made “love” and after that it was magic. One so wanting of the other that when we had residence issues, we decided to live together and I was excited. If you’re reading this, you know right there that this is where I effed up yea? I know, I know.

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We got a super nice place in Owings mills,MD and my bougie self  made it look a million bucks. Over time, we even had game nights with other couple friends and several house parties which were lit. All was good until I started to feel weird frequencies (energy) and I couldn’t hold. I broke and started asking questions. Sometimes, I’ll ask or check his phone – Once he stepped out the first time, it was hell. I felt betrayal but he continued repeatedly stepping out which did not make things any easier.

I couldn’t understand why he was into prostitutes or comfortable with the idea. He followed some heavily nude pages as well as strippers which made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Imagine the emotional torture? This even excluded girls from school or other friends he had that he would talk to. Matter of fact my baby boo had an affair and I felt it when it was happening but had no confirmation(this is one I even knew about and I remember her like it was yesterday b).

Solely from the cheating, I lost trust and then me trying to hold on to something that wasn’t there anymore. Or maybe it never was Addie. Something prematurely offered yet true? Scratch that because love shouldn’t hurt.

Lukman claimed to love me and would have loved to give me the world but how could he when he did not even love himself at all? To add salt upon injury, my self love was barely there so imagine the burden. I was spiritually heavy and I didn’t even know it. I stayed because i “loved” him and he was always sorry. I tried to be the best girl in the world instead of just being me and allowing him love me the way I am but believe me a man must love, know and accept himself before he can let a woman in and vice versa.

I kept the house clean, was his biggest cheerleader, did my kegel exercises, stayed fit, cooked often which never satisfied him since he was a chef and my effort didn’t really count. Lukman cared about me but did not love me because he was only giving me what he could for as long as he could. Once he got an opportunity to break up, he did. Not to hurt me but to avoid further damage. It just proved how weak our “love” was.

Here’s how it happened.

One evening, I found out that he went to go see his ex and I was upset because our discussions always ended with exes being a no-no. He couldn’t seem to see any fault in his actions after about an hour of going back and forth so I packed my bags and drove off not with the intention of leaving but just to get his attention.

Who was I kidding? I had made it easy. I came back the next morning after sleeping in the car by a dunkin donuts to a breakup talk. He was letting me go and “it wasn’t me it was him”.

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I was confused and angry until I finally had a meltdown. Suicide crossed my mind but I am no weak bi$@h so I fought it. We still lived together for another couple of months after as the option to break the lease was unnecessarily pricy so we decided to hang in there.

I was in hell. I felt myself drowning. I self medicated heavily daily and sunk in my thoughts. Work was affected as everything felt stressful. I was just lost. I died inside over and over. He tried to re-explain that he loved me but this needed to happen but I was not there anymore. At some point, I would hear him but be far away. I went into shutdown mode and didn’t think it was real. For days, I would cry and be like ”wait, are you sure?” – Thinking it was a tension thing because of the argument.

Even worse!

Time passed and my mum always told me to have savings so I moved out when it was closer to the end of the lease. If I didn’t leave when I did, I may not be here today.

The court meetings to finalize pending bills were emotionally stressful and draining because we would argue sometimes but we got through it somehow.

Right before I actually moved out of the apartment, he got brave and invited girls over. The first time it happened I thought I was seeing double but over time I saw enough to get used to it.

On one specific occasion, I came home early from work. It was super innocent but for a valid reason and as I walked in, I saw legs running obviously. Curtain movements too and I figured he had a guest. At this point even with everything going on you have to understand I still had feelings for him but I cannot forget this day. I called a co-worker because I was numb. I had never been treated like this before or been in such a situation and I dislike conflict so I was panicking. After a while he came out, with this hard look on his face and said off to work. I felt like he didn’t even see me at all.

I got goosebumps when I saw the girl. She said nothing and just walked the other way. He tried to hide her and have her go through sliding doors (balcony) but it was too late. Now when a guy is cheating or even moving on, don’t you even guess it’ll be someone ridiculously attractive or somehow better in a good way. This girl was dressed masculine, had a low cut, slight slouch and looked very….idk. I don’t even want to know…

That hurt even more because in all honesty, I looked better and was a unicorn but still wasn’t enough. Confused dot com!

I went on dates those final days in the apartment to distract myself but walked out on too many of them. It was hilarious and I look back and laugh now because I was hurting and trying to be sane but it didn’t help.

Some nights when I managed to sleep, I’ll have nightmares, wake up and he’ll be up as well. Things were so awkward for a while…

The second significant occurrence after the walk in was just epic. After I moved out, i still came over because I still cared as there were bills to pay and I still had some type of feelings but he had a new girlfriend. He would be on the phone with her and it’ll be on speaker sometimes, he’ll take her out etc and I was so confused because we just broke up but I pitied her as she was just buying time. One night, I got there and he told me his girlfriend was around so i had to leave. I almost went love and hip hop on his a@$ but I’m just not bred that way so after talking to my sister, i left peacefully.

Enough was enough as I had a breakthrough and decided to try taking it one day at a time. Just loving Adeola, bathing Adeola, praying for Adeola, speaking to Adeola, healing Adeola and here we are now…

As I loved myself daily, I found my healing. I pulled strength I didn’t know I had and bounced back. It’s called resilience baby. Ever since my dad told me I was, I nurtured the strength and rely on it a lot. It’s been quite a journey and the self love work never ends for me as I am a rose and I will die and rebirth a hundred times till I leave earth.

I eff with that. You feel me?

Lukman had a huge impact on my life. He was a wake up call and truth be told I have dated guys who despite knowing they cannot be serious with you, string you along and even have a child with you all to get a divorce sometime down the road. What a waste.

I am not in love with him anymore. We are now just friends and I do not know what the future holds but I only wish him all the good things in life. Nothing more, nothing less.

Baby girl, pain is power so when you feel it, especially in times like this, source the why and harness that power into something beautiful such as yourself, a business etc.

You will become unstoppable.

Love you girl,

Stay strong,

Addie.

Fall Blues: Mr Im-not-ready

Girl! How are you?

I’m well but I have to share this with you because I want you to be able to catch these types when they “come through”.

Boy, oh boy!

Mr. I’m-not-ready will have you falling quicker than expected because he will sell you something he can’t offer.

What makes meeting such so unfortunate is the fact that most of the time, these men do not even know who they are yet or love themselves. On that note, why will you make a bad choice and be emotionally irresponsible?

It is almost inexcusable and I sound this way because I did it! Oh girl, I won’t come to you if I haven’t experienced and felt this through to healing.

With him, you might do just anything because he’ll be so good at playing the part and even like you but will most likely never love you.

They probably do not understand what love is if they are not giving it to themselves. You feel me?

My point here is try to pay attention love. Listen to a man when he is talking and you’re getting to know him. Don’t rush it, just enjoy it and see where it goes…

Experiencing such a relationship was one of the hardest things I had to get over but I did it and that’s why I’m able to share this with you I now.

As always, I love you.

Addie 🖤

Dating Series: Mr Insecure

Hey gals!

As dating has been a huge part of my life. I have decided to do a series of various types of men I have dated. Off-course I will add stylish outfits to make it even more fun so enjoy!

This post particularly discusses an ex who felt super comfortable and insecure but I read that for loyalty. Lost much?

My first boyfriend was young, Christian and smart. I met him in church when I was about 15 years old and he was 18/19 I believe.

I was in boarding school and he had graduated high school so we were in a long distance relationship at first. I saw him when I came home for the holidays and it was fun because distance makes the heart grow fonder right?

Anytime I came back home for the holiday, it was all about fun i.e. shopping, partying, private pool trips, late night okada rides (Yoruba word for bikes) and off course church moves as it was another chance to see each other’s faces.

Everything was rosy and it was almost as if we were the envy of the town since it was a small city – my parents were known for their academic professions while his mum had a mini mart in a popular area in town.

People wondered how we did it, how we stayed together and seemed happy but I never really spoke to anyone so no one knew any details and early on everything was super fun so I had nothing to ‘complain’ about or discuss.

Even if I did being socially awkward and having low self esteem did not help me make friends and as you can imagine I snowballed into the relationship and slowly never really went home except it was bed time.

As time passed, I graduated high school and managed to keep the secret that I actually had a boyfriend from my mates so again no one really knew much.

I moved back home permanently and got to know Fiyo better since I now had more time for my amazing relationship. As expected, I grew a bit and knew I wanted to make friends and meet more people. I also found out that I would not travel outside the country for college right after high school so I had to start university in our town, Ibadan, Oyo State, Nigeria.

I got into the same university he was in and he was even more excited I would be living on campus but as time went on I realized he didn’t really want me to speak to a lot of people. He did not want my attention divided at all or time shared. Anytime I had plans, I had to tell him with whom, where and what time I’ll be back and free to hangout again. I never really had a me time or spent time alone.

I shared my pocket money and everything else I had with him because he was my best friend and I felt safe because I thought that if he had all these things, he would do the same for me.

Even though I had to do all these things, as a man, he felt he didn’t need to tell me where he was going or share everything about himself but for some reason it applied to me and I adhered. I slowly feared him because if I didn’t act right he could get upset and it would be a rough day.

People in church always approached my mother to ask what her daughter was doing with this boy but my mum would brush it off knowing she did not want to discuss something that bothered her with outsiders.

She always tried to ask me if I was happy and what exactly we were doing but I was constantly on defense and saw no issues with my relationship until I had my first male friend that he knew about.

Granted my male friend may have liked me but I was not in the wrong to have friends of the opposite sex. One evening, I was bored and went to go visit my new male friend to watch a show so I walked as it was safe on campus and the weather was nice.

Little did I know I was being followed, I got there and left my shoes at the door, went into the quarters as it was an open dormitory setting so doors can be left open with a net shield to keep bugs away.

As we watched the show and talked about class since we were both studying law, the rain started. It was heavy and scary and when it ended, I was ready to leave but I could not find my shoes. We asked other neighbors questions until Seyi (my friend) realized something was weird as he saw someone peeking earlier but thought the rain was playing with his mind.

I immediately got scared and now I’m not sure why but I didn’t feel okay knowing I may have been followed. I had him drive me back to my dorm but I couldn’t sleep so I went to see Fiyo to ask if he followed me that night.

Neighbors had mentioned seeing a tall male figure earlier but my ex was not as tall as they described so I figure there may have been more than one person – this made me even more concerned.

When I got to his place the rain started and I was outside knocking for a while until he came out and asked, “what do you want?”. I was shocked wondering why he didn’t open the gate seeing that I was wet and freezing.

I asked if he followed me that night and he laughed saying I was crazy.

In my frustration, I asked why I wasn’t being let in and he said I was not invited over that I should go back to where I’m coming from.

That was it for me, I began a wild journey of confusion because I thought he loved and trusted me but he didn’t. I tried to find answers but I found myself running in circles and talking to people but no one wanted trouble so they didn’t advice me much and I honestly did not open up enough anyway as I was still afraid that he would do something worse.

About a month later, things were a bit off but I knew I didn’t want the relationship anymore, I simply couldn’t figure out how to voice my feelings and feel safe at the same time. I began to let it show in my actions by not being available, making new friends, going home more often instead of running away etc.

One day I was with Fiyo, and he had issues with my friendship with Seyi and asked me to drive to his place so I did. If I had said no, he may have hit me which he eventually did that day.

He basically confronted us both when we got the there and yelled at at us trying to understand why we were even friends in the first place. Seyi tried to calm him down but aggravated him even more that he slapped me. After warning Seyi to stay away I drove off alone, embarrassed and hurt because I could not understand why I deserved such treatment.

In that moment, I felt like his property. I had given him my virginity and he now felt he owned me so I was his prisoner. There were subtle signs that had led on to this point such as him having sexual relations when I did not feel like it, feeling entitled to things I had, being controlling and more.

It took two rebounds to get him away from me but I was still hurt, lost and needed to heal from the experience.

As I didn’t know better at the time, I was in another relationship sooner than necessary but figured me out much later.

*Inserts heavy sigh of relief here*

The Issue

Fiyo was insecure and enjoyed what I had to offer, knowing he did not deserve it he made sure he felt like home and didn’t want me to have other friends etc.

He also wanted to control me so anyone that came close was known and redirected especially guys that were a threat to him like Seyi.

To add to the the injury, I did not love myself so it was a recipe for disaster from day one.

Is it resolved?

Yes, time and prayer has healed me as I am able to love again. He also called years later to apologize but I had already forgiven him and moved on.

This blog post is almost the last piece to my healing as I am now comfortable enough to share and help other women recognize the signs of an insecure man.

Stay beautiful and woke loves!